You were the first…
To look me in the eyes
You were the first…
to share with me your smile
You were the first…
To offer me your hand
You were the first…
To listen to my fears
You were the first…
To understand my needs
You were the first…
To ask me what I feel
You were the first…
To ask me what I want
You were the first…
To ask me what I know
You were the first…
To ask me what mattered to me
You were the first…
To wipe away my tears
You were the first….
To give me all your time
You were the first…
To see the real “me”
You were the first…
to tell me the reality
You were the first…
to say I had a voice
You were the first…
To give me my own choice
You were the first…
to say I was in charge
You were the first…
I shared my darkness with….
You were the first…
Who showed me there was light
You were the first…
Who said they would forgive me…
You were the first..
Who said I didn’t have to fight.
You were the first…
Who said it was okay to fly
You were the first…
Who said I could go home to love
You were the first…
Who made me feel so safe
You were the first…
I could tell all of my mistakes
You were the first….who made me feel
I could leave this world
Surrounded by love and warmth.
You were the first…
Who said my last moments didn’t have to hurt…
You were the first
Who said I didn’t have to feel the cold…..
You were the first…
I wish I would have listened to
Instead of being the very last…..
Because they made me do it all their way
right up until the end….
But you were the first
…and the last
who listened to my heart
instead of
someone else….
I wish I didn’t have to leave that way
In the very place I hated…
Just know I’m up here loving you
because
you were the first…….
(based on a real conversation. Dedicated to the one person I failed to protect)
** As part of writing my book, I have been combing through the investigative report. Last night up in my room I found additional portions of the report I had not yet reviewed or maybe I hadn’t completely read through and processed. In this portion of the report were details of my patient’s last year, and how she died. I felt a wave of guilt as I remembered everything she shared with me in confidence that night, that I failed her, that I failed to make sure she was given what was rightfully hers…..as I sat on my bed and cried and asked God “Why did you let this happen, where were you?” A voice came into my head with the words I have written above, urging me to “write this down write this down write this down.” I don’t have internet at my house, so in the wee hours of the morning I jumped in my car and rode up the road to Starbucks where there was a wifi signal, opened up my blog and typed continuously until the voice left me. The voice was not a “voice” persay, rather, it was someone speaking to me through thought. Those of you who have an extra sense will know what I mean. I am an empath, but I also have the ability to sense spirits, and at times hear them through thoughts in my head. I don’t know if these words came from my patient, as a way of saying “its okay now” or if it was a message from the divine as a means of comfort and reassurance that I did my best, that I did all I could, that I did what was expected of me……but I suppose it does not matter…..because I look at whatever took over me early this morning as a lasting gift I can come back and read on those days I doubt myself and feel like I failed to preserve what my patient so dearly wanted at the end of her life, from the words above, I know she is at peace….and I know she sees and knows all that has happened since that night of April 12, 2011. And I know she knows….above all else….I tried.
NURSEINTERUPTED 
Haunting and powerful. I understand so much more fully now. Dear heart, just know that you did listen and she IS in a better place now. You don’t have to torment yourself because you did.
thank you, but after reading what I read, ill always carry this guilt. She went exactly where and how she didn’t want to. and for me, I don’t know to reconcile that pain. for her. for me/